It has been a few weeks since I have posted anything; I just haven’t had the heart to. The past 6 weeks have been absolutely grueling. Certainly the most difficult for Matthew, but excruciating for Mark and I to watch. In addition to autism, Matthew has severe ADHD. He is such a smart boy but has tremendous hyperactivity and a total inability to focus and attend. We have seen Matthew struggle so hard in this area to do things that come naturally to typical kids, it seems so unfair because we know how hard he tries. It has become more pronounced than autism lately. Honestly, we were frightened at the quick regression happening in front of us recently as well because of his ADHD. After 2 years of wrestling with the options, we came to a decision. We felt that for Matthew, the best help we could give at this time was to address his ADHD….. through medication. To that end we were willing to try this avenue in the hopes we could give Matthew some relief. His self esteem was taking a beating as everyday was a battle at school for focus and extreme hyperactivity which he was not winning and he was acutely aware of this. It breaks my heart to hear him tell me how sorry he is and that he promises to try harder. Using meds was not how we envisioned things but we tried everything we could (diet, biomedical, naturopath, homeopathy, therapy, OT, sensory integration, HBOT, supplement, herbs, etc.) to no avail. We found a wonderful doctor that was able to give us support and guidance and the courage to try this. The first 6 weeks were awful, I saw my son exhibit behaviors that we had not seen in years and even pulled him out of school because the staff was having such difficulties with him. I could see in his eyes his discouragement and frustration as the meds were initially making a tough situation much worse. I imagine he must feel like he drank and entire pot of coffee and can’t stop moving, shaking, feeling on edge and acting out. He stopped sleeping through the night and Monday I hit the wall. He woke up at 1am and could not get back to sleep. I felt such guilt! What had I done to my child? I was ready to throw in the towel.
I spoke with our doctor who encouraged me to wait one more day………Wow.!!!! The clouds went away and the sun came out. If I did not see it with my own eyes, I would have NEVER believed it. Matthew was calm (for him) and in control. The mania and frenetic behavior was gone and he seemed to be at ease. Literally, the very next day! I sent him to school the day after and his aide was in tears as she told me of the composed, calm child she was seeing. He was able to focus and soak in the events that were happening around him. His teacher was thrilled and I love seeing the smile on Matthew’s face each day since when he hears “Matthew had a GREAT day today. Good job!” from the staff. With the ability to have some calm, we have had some great language too. This was our conversation on Wednesday night:
Me: Matthew, time to go to bed.
Matthew: Mom, I jus’ wanna play with my Leapster, watch 106 (channel) and reyax (relax) on the couch.
I was so excited of course I let him. What a great sentence. I know our work is far from over, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it has gotten brighter every day this week. I am aware that as children grow, the chemistry in their brains change which results in certain meds becoming ineffective resulting in starting this difficult process over, however, I know that our decision was the right one and a large step forward in Matthew’s progress, regardless of how hard it may seem at the moment.
To celebrate a great weekend, I made Matthew one of his favorite desserts, GFCF chocolate covered strawberries! His face tells it all!
Matthew, you are remarkable and I love you. You have taught me so much and you inspire me. You are extraordinary and there is nothing you can’t do!
I am blessed to be your mom!
